Home- Alexia Jasmene

Darkness.

I lay wondering where I’ve been,

Seeing lands and things beyond belief,

Feeling at home within my own breast

Only to wake, 

Feeling adrift,

Like those numerous times with a chest so heavy

I feel like every molecule could disintegrate

Leaving behind nothing but,

Relief…

Darkness…

Defeat…

My face, my clothes, my sheets soaked

With tears of longing to feel at home,

To feel secure within my own soul,

Wondering where I went wrong,

Do I deserve to exist, to be happy, to ever sing a song?

My mind becomes aware of this reoccurring despair,

And I step back to comfort myself 

When I suffered a devastating attack.

An attack on my existence

That rocked me to my core beyond the reach of assistance…

I kneel and hug her at that tender age and tell her it’s going to be ok.

That it’s not her fault that that adult spewed hate,

Rubbed toxic words all over my face,

Calling me faggot, and gay and that I don’t deserve to live even one day.

That I shouldn’t exist.

That I should be erased…

I tell her it’s not her fault,

It’s a stupid adult projecting their own pain,

That they had no right and that you deserve to shine your light.

And though she calms, 

And I add this assurance to my soul,

I still feel empty, worthless, and alone.

I try and I try to reverse my fate,

Only to come up with the same feelings of shame.

The world adding to the pile of wanting me to be erased.

Day by day seeing and hearing words of hate,

Saying that trans women don’t deserve anything but to be shot in the face,

Getting messages of freak, and broken, and needing to be erased,

If I ever dare to live my fate.

All this and more building and building as I progress with age,

From elementary to middle to high to upper, 

Nothing positive is added to this pile,

So early on I learn to hide.

Hide myself from myself,

Hide myself from my peers,

Hide myself from ever being queer,

Of living my truth I knew at the age of 4,

But was shattered, decimated, and burned,

Only to lead to my internal landscape becoming fractured,

Playing a role wherever I go,

Even when I’m alone.

Escaping into every form

Building shame until the pressure burns,

My skin beginning to rip at the seams,

Wondering what’s wrong with me.

Self inflicting my pain,

Magnifying the depth of my shame,

Until it consumes and I cannot see,

Myself in the mirror,

Not really…

I run and I hide and I try to survive,

But thoughts follow me wherever I go,

Wondering if I should even continue to go.

These thoughts piling up to an insurmountable amount, 

Until after 15 years I almost act, 

I can’t live anymore,

I can’t deal with this,

And I don’t know why…

Then someone digs me out of the mire of my shame

Asking me what’s my name.

I don’t know what to say 

Besides that I’m done hiding away,

My light that should shine maddeningly bright. 

I begin a quest to reconnect,

But time and time again,

I find I’m broken without end.

From memories fractured,

To my emotions torn assundered,

Every time I feel I’ve healed,

A treasure chest of fear appears.

I dig and I dig and I dig until I remember what that horrible man did,

I react with quakes,

Refusing to allow myself to face.

To face my pain and how broken I’ve been all along.

As I continue to dig and mend,

It doesn’t matter, 

My pain shows up again. 

Professionals, poverty, and lack for the best,

Put me at the task, 

Of healing myself and not knowing how to act,

To this fracticious feeling of my inability to mend.

Discovering my mind and emotions unstable beyond control,

And learning that both sides of my family had always known,

Of the struggles of mind and spirit that plague their houses,

Making it a shock and pain to own.

To own the depth of my brokenness,

To own my shame,

To own my pain.

I seek to alleviate the external and internal pain,

Only to come out of the other side still feeling alone.

And not at home.

How many times will I be rejected,

Abandoned,

Shunned, 

Slowly having commitments rot again and again and again and again?

And to top it all off,

When will I ever feel at home in my body?

In my bones?

When will I honor my light and truly let it shine,

For I have fought to save it,

Wanting it to shine beyond measure,

But it keeps getting shaded by pain beyond measure.

When will it subside so I no longer have to hide?

Hide in my sheets,

Hide in my sleep,

Hide in my dreams…

I lay here with darkness consuming me and everything,

Feeling my progress slip from my hand

As I begin to mourn for my childhood torn.

Torn asunder.

Torn to my core.

Torn so deep that trying to ignore

Has led me to a life unsure

Unsure of my worth

Unsure if I deserve to be loved

Unsure if I deserve to exist.

I shake these cobwebs of despair,

Breathe, visualize, and melt the pain with waves of care

Towards my being and myself and my body and my light

Feeling healed at least for the night.

I feel my progress return,

Owning that this journey is long into the light,

And that my progress won’t appear overnight,

Or be lost within a moment of fright.

I breathe into my body, my soul and my mind,

Knowing deep down that I’ll never truly feel at home

Until I can afford to alter the mistake from the time I was born….

But that’s ok for now,

Until then I will sit with my joy and my pain,

Feeling I’m comfortably renting this space,

Slowly healing and patiently waiting 

Until I feel at home.