You don’t know that that's your true name,
but you will.
You are a little over 9 right now and I know you’ve just been shattered…
You feel like you don’t deserve to exit.
That you don’t deserve love and that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. So much so,
that it can never be fixed…
You were told you were a faggot,
a piece of shit,
scum of the earth.
You don’t deserve to exist and shouldn't act girly,
all with so much pain,
and shame from the adult who transmitted this to you,
that it became your pain and more…
I know that you not only began to believe those words and pain,
but also made them more virulent over time becoming your worst jailor and torturer.
I know that you’ve felt lost at sea with no one willing to see you,
feeling alone and deserving of it.
I know you have troubles being with yourself,
and troubles being with other people too,
and I’m sad to say it only get much worse as the years go on…For awhile…
I wish I could tell you that you didn’t think about suicide,
because it was too much,
but you did more times than we have digits for.
That you didn’t go to bed with a chest so heavy you felt like you would die,
not knowing what was wrong with you,
because you had buried what had happened to you…but I can’t.
What I can tell you,
is that you deserve to exist.
That you will grow into a beautiful and radiant woman that has so much love.
That there is absolutely nothing wrong with you,
you’re beautiful and need to be seen by others.
You deserve to feel good.
You deserve to be loved.
You are enough.
You are loved.
You ARE beautiful.
Trans IS beautiful.
I love you with all of my being Alexia.
The Woman You Always Were